Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.