This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion