Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
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