somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
