my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?