there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
