Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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