New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I am available for nakedness
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize