I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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