I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
