Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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