Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
