Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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