I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
