dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
