filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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