Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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