pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
