you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
