suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
