I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
