I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
