Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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