her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
