Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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