have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
