Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
