Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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