I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He better not be in your backpack
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
