The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I think my moral compass just broke
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