Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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