I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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