Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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