after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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