I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
