were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
worst night to have a conscience
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
