I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
