i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
