There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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