you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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