i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
