Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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