went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
