I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
