i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize