I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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