we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
