I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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