I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
