i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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