when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
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he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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