she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
