I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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