do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
