I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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