I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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