my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
