Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Dear god my vagina.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
