the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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