He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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